I flip through TV time shift, only to stop on promising movie names which might sound like Hell and Below, Secluded island, Don’t look back, Don’t look back twice, Watchers (or weight watchers… or return of the killer weighing machines), anything with Lindsay Lohan or Diane Keaton in it. Or no. Wait. Just Lindsay Lohan.

But I digress. Just like romance films and their annoying little happy endings, horror movies have their own clichés. Here is a rough primer on how to write your own:

1. The hero’s family/girlfriend/children will never believe the existence of the zombies/ghosts/vengeful souls. Doesn’t matter if neighbours and pets are mysteriously turning up butchered in your bathroom or your doorstep, the family always says, “Honey, I think you need some help.” This is usually before the ghost literally slaps the daylights out of the girlfriend.

2. Pets always die first. Or the chesty neighbor.

3. Basements and attics are playpens of the evil. The first few scenes will have someone creep up the creaking stairs. The hallway bulb flickers and fades. Hand moves to turn a bright, shiny knob. Knob turns painfully slowly. “Michael! Where are you,” says chirpy voice from downstairs. “Be right down, honey!” Leaves door closed but turns back once to look at it.

4. The hero/heroine will always do one Google search. Or a trip down to the nearest newspaper archives to search for a 50-year-old murder case.

5. During the search, the local Sherriff will say, “Trust me sir, you should stay away from this. Nothing good will come out of this.”

6. Children will always sleep alone. Even if daggers are mysteriously flying out of drawers, neighbors are dying, basement doors are banging, kids need their nightmares.

7. The ghost always befriends/possesses the youngest member of the family first.

8. Rain on climax night. Always.

With every passing film my love for zombie movies is just multiplying. ‘Why’ has no logical reason. But then can anybody actually logically define their love for any cinema? So ‘why’ is not a question. ‘Why exactly’ is more like it. And its because I LOVE zombies. There are a few reasons I have been able to frame in my head till now. I am sure more will emerge.

1. Zombies are so fast!

2. They have nothing better to do. At all. Like everyone, no matter how jobless has something or the other to do. At some point in time. But except the ones in I am Legend (who were busy indoors all morning) these things are just waiting to eat you.

3. They don’t get personal. They will eat anybody. Even if you have pimples. Or bad hair. And even if he is your father. The only way they will let you go is if you are also a zombie.

4. They are not choosy. They will attack any body part nearest to them.

5. Nothing scares them. The cross wont help, neither would a rudraksh, or holy water. If you are doing all that you are just wasting your precious seconds. Cause they are very fast (point number 1). And they are coming to get you.

6. They are not here to scare you. Or recover from a childhood abuse. Or take revenge. They have been bitten and they want to bite you.

7. There are always so many that running at full speed is never an option. What can be an option is the ingenious use of your brain. There is nothing else. Cause there is noone coming to save you, and you cant call anyone for help.

8. They dont bite dogs (I am refering to the Dawn of the dead zombies, the I am legend ones were actually very mean. They bit Samantha . So I am not taking them into account). And since i have so many dog friends, Im sure i can escape if im caught in a zombie-attack.

Apart from all that zombie movies are generally dont-use-your brains-but-enjoy-the-thrill sort of things. And I love that.

I, Zombie was a movie released in 1998. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,_Zombie